Skatedoggers II: Electric Boogaloo

While visiting with Snappymack in San Antonio recently, we went ice-skating--yes, ice-skating in one of the country's hottest (as in stinkin', blazin', misery-loves-crotch-rot hot, not hot as in cool) cities, no less, because, well, we're just kookoo for irony. Dontcha think?

We've had this ongoing joke, Snappymack, another friend, Kangaroo, and I, for a couple of years now--that while skating, we're on the set of the nonexistent and ever so low-budget feature film, Skatedoggers II: Electric Boogaloo.

Mostly our fantasy consists of identifying potential cast members for the production--both Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have signed on at this point, and we're in talks with Shannon Tweed, naturally. In addition, we have busied ourselves selecting appropriate songs for the soundtrack, identifying first the "theme from Skatedoggers II" (a rockin', guitar pop frenzy of a tune a la Kenny Loggins's "Danger Zone"), followed by the "love theme from Skatedoggers II" (imagine something in the heroin-damaged vein of "When I See You Smile" by Bad English).

The Skatedoggers riff came about for two reasons--for one, the skating guards--aka, the Rinkmasters, the Scott Hamilton Talibantastics, the Icecapades version of the Flying Winged Monkeys at the Wicked Witch of the West's Outer Oz fixer-upper, whatever they're called--were often more aggressive skaters than most of the paying customers that the enlisted members of the Jeff Gillooly 12-Step Support Network were charged with monitoring for malfeasance. They'd clip the neophytes' skates, cut ruts into the ice showing off in front of their friends, and interweave among the others more than hot-headed, road-ragers on Loop 410 during a 5 o'clock rain storm.

In other words, they'd act like teen male assholes, exercising their America-love-it-or-leave-it right to do so. In still other words, they were the essence of Skatedogging. The Skatedog archetype, if you prefer.

Which, in turn, reminded us of every '80s/'90s "dude" comedy ever endured or avoided--Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever (starring one Corey!), License to Drive (starring two Coreys!), Up the Creek (starring the granddaddy of all "dude" comedy, Tim Matheson), and, naturally, Hot Dog: The Movie (starring David Naughton, said granddaddy's brother).

The second reason for our Skatedoggers II riff relates to the loud and tedious I Love the '80s (But Only if It's a Hairband) soundtrack that blared from the sound system nearly everytime we were at the rink. You know the music--Night Ranger! Whitesnake! Poison! All straight (?) out of the spooktacular trifecta that is Monster Ballads, Monsters of Rock, and Monster Madness from MusicSpace.com, the K-Tel Records for the New Millennium. "Cause every bad boy has his soft side," states the voiceover at the end of the commercial, currently in heavy rotation across the late night TV airwaves in the U.S.

And we wonder why fundamentalists in the Islamic World hate us so.

These boys of bad hair and worse makeup of the variety that would send a female impersonator into a spitting cobra of a fit have gotten in touch with their feminine side--and it apparently didn't take multiple beers to bring this about. Eighties rockers as part of a long line of upstart metrosexuals--who knew? And here you thought it all came down to "Rouge Britannia" acts like David Bowie, Bryan Ferry, and Duran Duran. But, in reality, scratch the surface of American manhood, and you'll find a platinum-haired, raccoon-eyed, he-diva waiting to break out. Just ask David Lee Roth. Better still, just ask members of the U.S. Congress, which in my perception consists of a bigger bunch of drama queens than ever imagined by the producers of Wigstock.

So this is what tortures and entertains us while attempting to skate around the rink and not fall on our patoots. Caterwauling hairbands and over testosteroned teen males on ice. What would Brian Boitano do? Why, I've no doubt he'd go see Skatedoggers II: Electric Boogaloo. Coming soon to a drive-in near you.