Don't b ridiculous

Editor's note: Once again, from the file labeled "This Crap Just Writes Itself."

Today's New York Times features an article about the resurgence of the drug trade in New Orleans--now new and improved, as the marketeers say, for a post-Katrina world.

It seems that both white collar and blue collar drug workers enjoyed their professional retreat to Houston and other cities during and after Hurricane Katrina. Not only did they enjoy, however--they were inspired. Like any good go-getter tasked with attending a sales executive conference, the recreational pharmaceutical class has apparently returned home, blessed with an abundance of new product lines and brimming over with great ideas for expanding distribution networks and marketing endeavors.

Nothing funny in this, you say? Well, in and of itself, that's true enough.

However, after reading the article (linked above), I couldn't help but think about the higher education vacuum that exists in the drug lord community. I mean, there's so much potential here for professionalization. Just imagine the possibilities:

• Executive MBAs with classes conveniently scheduled in the pre-dawn hours . . . or, if you insist, no classes at all. In fact, we'll be happy to award you a diploma based on experiential education alone. Now please put away that gun, Mister Cartel Operator.
• Professional workshops that allow you to earn continuing education credits ("Getting beyond 'gangthink': The challenges of the total quality management model for your dealer network").
• Conferences with motivational speakers like . . . Rush Limbaugh. "You people are the real American patriots--fighting the good fight, liberating painkillers from the tyranny of Democratic naysaying and the tax-and-spend liberalism of the FDA!"
• A new lease on life for Donald Trump's Apprentice series. Forget Martha Stewart--think Pablo Escobar! And when Pablo says "You're fired!" he really means it. The Medellin Cartel uses flamethrowers on the losers.
• ITT = International Trafficking and Trade Technical Institute.

Endless, just endless.

It's amazing, nay, shocking, that some enterprising Young Turk of Wall Street (or even an Old Vulgarian like Donald Trump) hasn't maneuvered her- or himself into this line of education and professionalization.

Then again, you've got to have a strong pool of candidates to work with. Not everyone can be Bill Rancic or a Michelle Dewberry. You've gotta slog and slug through a lot of Verna Feltons and Chris Vallettas to get to "You're hired."

Take, for instance, Mr. Joseph Aguirre, mentioned in the New York Times article. Even with his exemplary efforts at cataloging and organizing--he has, as best as can be determined from the accompanying photo, tattoed his manboobs, apparently giving them the names of Farley and Margot--he, nonetheless, remains a guest of the Houston Police Department due to poor efforts at retail distribution of his product line. Who knew the Houston criminal justice system could be so unforgiving of failed capitalism?

Another case in point--Mr. Ivory Harris, discussed in the New York Times article as belonging to the well-known New Orleans recreational pharmaceutical professional association, the Seventh Ward Hardheads. Mr. Harris has a noteworthy, albeit entry-level, professional record. The Times extols his success in the provision of bonded courier services and praises his perfect score in marksmanship during the "real world" deal-gone-bad simulation at drug lord training camp. Nonetheless, he is apparently known on the street by the professional name of B Stupid.

While I can understand why Mr. Harris changed his name from Ivory--the constant references to Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney's duet, "Ebony and Ivory," would just become too wearying for even the most Dalai Lama of souls--I do fear that choosing a name like B Stupid sends the wrong kind of message. Strategically speaking, is that the positive, feel-good branding that places one farther along toward the path of a successful career in crack sales or meth distribution? Can you really see somebody with that name diversifying into pimp-and-ho management?

To try to mentor such a rank-and-file drug worker with so little understanding of marketing and professionalism into a world-class drug executive, well, it would seem that the results wouldn't warrant the effort.

But what do I know about business? I could just B Shortsighted here.