Now I can sleep at night

At last! The word we've all been waiting for! Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn! Perhaps now CNN and the Fox News Channel can return to their regularly scheduled programming and more pressing matters--like who next will Britney Spears hook up with in rehab? Inquiring minds . . . .

For the record, I can't pretend to be above it all; I was slightly interested in the outcome of this episode of As the DNA Sample Turns, much in the way that I can't ever seem to turn away from an episode of Maury entitled, "I've Slept with So Many Men, I Don't Know Who My Baby's Daddy Is," or more/less explicitly, have to watch the news anytime there's a pile-up on the Harrisburg-area Capital Beltway, as I'm always curious to see what bodies they pull from the wreckage--and, more importantly, what they are wearing.

All along, my wager was on ol' Hello Larry. Of all the major actors in this Greek tragedy (and let's face it, there was a Cecil B. Demented chorus of thousands who could belt out in unison that they had slept with Anna Nicole and thus could claim possible fatherhood of lil' DL), he actually seemed interested in the child, not just the money or the publicity. A radical approach to celebrity fatherhood in this day and age.

All told, Larry was the cutest of the suitors we knew about, so under American popular cultural law, he should win the award for Best Gamete in a Supporting Role. I do still find it difficult to believe he could actually participate in a procreative, not just recreative, act that might result in parentage, however. The blond highlights in his hair concern me, as does that voice. It could be the David Beckham factor at work here: Looks like Tarzan, talks like Jane, yet, nonetheless, only swinging one way in the jungle. Being that Hairy Larry is a celebrity photographer, though, I suspect, ultimately, it's as the sage of our time Cheryl Crow once sang: "This ain't no disco, this ain't no country club either. This is L.A." The phrase "Larry's gone Hollywood" may explain the hair at least.

Still, what a disappointing denouement. I was so hoping for a surprise twist in the script, one especially in the form of Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, being revealed as the Baby Daddy. Imagine the Zsa Zsa-rific, extreme slapping action and terrorist orange-level of drama it would bring to the courtroom. I would have also accepted the frozen semen of the late oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall in the understudy/under the ground role of DL's father.

Unfortunately for Larry, though, being the father of Dannielynn also means owning up to the fact that you had unprotected sex with Anna Nicole Smith. Good golly. There are petri dishes with fewer spores growing in them. There are grease traps in low-rated, Health Department-inspected hotdog stands with less gunk. There are collapsed Pennsylvania mines with lower levels of noxious fumes and fewer chances of a cave-in from overuse. You get the idea.

If I were Larry, I'd proudly proclaim my fatherhood, but I'd also be producing deposit slips for the First National Sperm Bank of the Bahamas as a way to prove my excellent physical health to future mates.

Probably too late for him to prove excellent mental health, though.