(Back to being) Bothered and (definitely) bewildered in Blogtucky: Doubles troubles

"Do you have a brother who works at the Mattress Warehouse in Monroeville?"

One of the problems of having a very generic look--as apparently I do--is that you get compared to every other person--famous, infamous, or obscure--who possesses the same, basic set of physical features. Bald head, glasses, goatee, and a whiter-shade-of-pale complexion? Tag, you're it. Fill in the blank.

Never mind that the person in question is a good 10 years older or a hefty 50 pounds heavier than you or adheres to a pyramid scheme passing itself off as a religion. You, bald and beautiful (oh so we're assuming . . .), are his spitting image. Congratulations!

It's a dangerous game, this comparing and contrasting of appearances. My sister periodically reminds me--and not in a jokey, wasn't-that-funny? way either--of the time I suggested she looked like Mackenzie Phillips during her One Day at a Time era. In the moment, I thought this was a compliment because of the following reasons:

She was a celebrity.
Being all of 14 at the time, I thought she was an attractive celebrity. (What can I say? It was the '70s. Standards were more generous then.)
Who would want to be compared to Valerie Bertinelli anyway? (Ick.)
She hadn't yet been busted for binging on illicit substances or gone on Oprah to purge herself of the news of an adult affair with her father, a man now too dead to claim otherwise. (Eww. Double ick.)

Some 35 years later, she continues to beg to differ.

But, no matter. Perhaps it's time to suck up the moment and savor the salty tears of indignation a little more stoically. So to inaugurate a new year, and perhaps even to herald the second coming of Blogtucky: The Next Generation, I present you with the first installment of All My Doppelgangers, a going-rogues gallery of Tim Winni's lookalikes and possible long-lost relations, as related to him by various and sundry, friends and strangers alike, over the last six months, while I've been literarily M.I.A. (Coinky-dink? Mayhaps . . . .)

Do enjoy--and if you talk to the guy at the Mattress Warehouse in Monroeville, tell him the rest of my sibs and I expect some serious Christmas presents to come our way next December. You've got a lot to make up for, bud.

* * *

Anthony Edwards

With goatee but without glasses.

Then with glasses but without goatee. The man will not cooperate.

Jason Statham

Really? I think this is wishful thinking on everyone's part. If this were even halfway close to the truth, I'd be too busy shtupping every orifice on two continents to blog or do much of anything else.

Andre Agassi

Before or after relationships with Brooke Shields and Barbra Streisand? Either way, I lose.

Mario Biondi

For the uninitiated, a rather dreamy Italian R&B singer, for whom my friend the Music Lover has offered to bear children. Again, I think this is wishful thinking on the part of the legally blind, but it's probably the look I would most aspire to. Now if I only get taller, pad my crotch, and go to Italy for some new duds. (Don't know what I'm talking about? Go here.)