Apple cider: America's undetected terrorist threat

Editor's note: Just a kitchen mishap--or something more sinister?

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Dateline: Harrisburg, Pennsylvania (AP)
Date: October 21, 2006
Headline: Exploding apple cider bomb injures 1, panics 300 million

An exploding bottle of apple cider--believed to be a terrorist bomb--injured 1 here today, prompting local officials to issue a warning that Al-Qaeda has likely infiltrated the region's apple orchards. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security immediately raised the terrorist threat level to orange or high, indicating that there was a strong likelihood of terrorist attack. Sales of duct tape and bottled water have skyrocketed with this news and shortages of apple juice, cider, and sauce have been reported in some states.

The chain of events that led to the explosion are still sketchy, but neighbors reported hearing a loud fizzing sound, then a whoosh, and finally a significant pop. This noise was followed by another, which neighbors now believe was the victim, Mr. Rap Licious, 45, of the Harrisburg, PA, area, falling to the kitchen floor from the force of the explosion. A neighbor heard the victim cry out for help, then silence, and immediately called 911.

"It was like a bomb went off in there," said an unidentified neighbor.

Police and emergency medical technicians arrived on the scene within minutes and discovered Mr. Licious unconscious on the floor and soaked from head to toe in apple cider. A misshapened plastic jug of cider lay next to the victim. The cap of the bottle was found imbedded in his forehead. Juice was splattered over at least half of the kitchen in a 6-to-8-foot radius from the kitchen sink.

Because of the proximity of the Three Mile Island nuclear facility, Hazmat teams responded quickly to the emergency. While the contaminated cider has been removed from the scene, a layer of stickiness covers all kitchen surfaces, prompting federal officials to dub this potential new terrorist weapon a "sticky bomb."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has joined local police in studying the cider splatter and debris to determine the exact nature of the explosion. A chemical analysis of the remaining contents of the jug will be conducted by the Biological Defense Research Institute at Fort Detrick, MD. Because of concerns over flammability from the sticky bomb, a 5-block area has been cordoned off and neighbors have been encouraged to evacuate.

Despite local officials' claims that the incident was caused by Al-Qaeda operatives in the Harrisburg area, both the FBI and Homeland Security were hesitant to speculate about the terrorist entity's possible role. However, Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff noted that both the FBI and the DHS have been tracking an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell in the South Central Pennsylvania region for some time. Known as the "Apple Dumpling Gang," the cell was heretofore felt to be too sweet-natured and bungling to be effective. "We might have been misinformed," Chertoff stated. "The server for Homeland Security's computer network is housed in New Orleans. It's been acting funny for a year or so now. We're not sure why."

Chertoff is weighing options for counter-action to the incident and is expected to take decisive steps toward something within the next 6 to 12 months, or at least within the next couple of years. He issued a statement "assur[ing] the American people that the country's apple cider and apple-related products supply has been, is, and will continue to be safe for consumption during the fall festival season."

Nonetheless, he recommended that a national program of apple cider, juice, and sauce radiation be instituted among the country's apple growers and encouraged the Transportation Safety Agency to immediately adopt new rules preventing large gallon-sized jugs of apple cider from being placed in carry-on baggage on domestic and international flights. Pint- and quart-sized bottles would still be allowed for now.

"We can never be too safe," Chertoff added.

The National Apple Cider Organization (NACO) noted that a federal plan has been in place since shortly after the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001, to begin mass radiation of apple harvests but that growers are still awaiting the arrival of equipment from Washington.

Environmental lobbyists in the nation's capital are believed to have stalled shipment of needed equipment because of concerns over the environmental and health impact of radiation on apple harvests. An environmental impact statement released in 2003, and then immediately suppressed in the interest of national security, estimated that the effects of radiation on humans, livestock, and natural resources "wouldn't be great, but it wouldn't be all that much worse than what the area already receives from Three Mile Island either."

As he headed off to Crawford, Texas, for a weekend of barbecue and brush-clearing, President George W. Bush was asked about delays in getting needed equipment to areas at risk of terrorist attack. "Environmentalists apparently hate freedom, too," he said.

Democratic leadership in the U.S. Congress did not immediately respond to this challenge. Part of the leadership was attending the National Tree-Hugging Convention in Eugene, OR, while others were enjoying a Georgia Pacific-sponsored international conference on forestry marketing at a new golf resort carved out of the Amazon rainforest.

In related news, President Bush announced that he would lobby Congress for a national relief effort to apple growers in the form of tax cuts worth $10 billion U.S. The tax cuts would be available to those growers who can guarantee that the apples used to make cider, juice, sauce "and especially pies" were picked by "all-American workers."

Mr. Evo Fidelito Hugo Castro Chávez Morales, 29, a field representative for NACO, said workers would do their best to act American, "whatever that means, Presidente Pendejo," while picking and processing apples.

Meanwhile, Mr. Licious remains in stable condition at an undisclosed location. He is expected to make a full recovery. His kitchen, however, was pronounced dead on arrival.