No school bus left behind . . . ahead . . . or to the side

Over the last few months, to remedy the malaise of middle age, I've set as a goal to do or learn something new each week I continue to inhabit the earth. In some instances, this new thing involves going to a restaurant I've repeatedly passed by but have never stopped in. In other cases, it has involved sitting still long enough to enjoy a movie from start to finish on HBO, the Independent Film Channel, or the Sundance Channel. (Of late, this has included viewings of Walk the Line, Europa Europa, and Belle du Jour. For the record, I have decided to stalk both Marco Hoffschneider and Joaquin Phoenix.) It may involve reading about a topic that heretofore I knew little, taking a different road to work, or trying a different brand of cereal. Whatever. Just something to say, in little ways, that I'm 45, but I'm not totally dead yet.

As much to the contrary as I may actually feel about it.

Today, however, was a curious one, wherein I learned something new, but something of a nature that could perhaps result in a $250 fine, 5 points on my license, and even a license suspension.

I was driving on Chestnut Street in downtown Harrisburg this afternoon, heading home after the end of a three-day conference and ready to think about something other than the three days of "visioneering" offered up as wisdom about my chosen profession. I crossed 3rd Street on a green light, heading toward 2nd, and then would move onward to the Market Street Bridge.

It's a weird intersection, where 3rd Street is one way both in both directions--meaning it switches the direction in which it is one way, and there are no turns from Chestnut onto 3rd. Honest. You know that Pierre L'Enfant, the planner of Washington, D.C., must be dreaming in heaven of such a complete and utter traffic flow foul-up. "Sacre bleu! If only I had tried that approach, the British could have easily retaken Washington in the War of 1812! European hegemony rules, bee-yotch!"

But hark! Was that not a horn I heard blowing at me as I went through the intersection with 3rd? Why yes it was.

I had noticed a school bus at the intersection--not facing me, not ahead of me, but to right, on 3rd Street, stopped at the intersection, perpendicular to my car on Chestnut. I didn't see any amber or flashing red lights, but as I entered the intersection I did notice the yellow safety bar was extended from the front of the bus to prevent children from walking too closely in front of the vehicle. I noticed some older kids on the edge of the crosswalk, who had not entered yet, but were contemplating it. Still, it was a four-lane street; I had a green light; the bus was stopped on another street; why wouldn't I move forward?

Hmmm, well, in Pennsylvania apparently I shouldn't. There is a law in our fair (but mostly middlin') Commonwealth that states that when a school bus is stopped at an intersection--no matter which part of the intersection--all traffic comes to a complete halt, no matter what the lights indicate otherwise.

Now I've been driving since I was 16, so I have nearly 30 years of driving experience in various cities, states, and two foreign countries, including a recent stint of trying to tell the difference between the speed limits from the highway numbers in Ontario. I have driven in Houston, Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, and god help me, Atlanta, among other places, and I have done so with nary a mark on my driving record. In total, in 29 years, I've had two parking tickets and one minor accident and have been stopped by cops twice. In both cases, I was excused, when it was determined that I was in fact as clueless as I appeared to be but not a threat to society at large.

In no case, have I ever been ticketed for any moving violation.

Oh, I've certainly driven above the speed limit, although I do try to keep it to no more than 5 mph above the posted limit on highways. And if extending the middle finger to a driver who cut me off were a punishable offense, I would indeed be awaiting execution on death row. Dead man driving, dead man driving.

But never in my time on this planet have I heard of such a bizarre traffic rule.

Nor did I actually hear details of this particular violation at the scene, at least none that I could understand.

After the horn blowing, the school bus pulled out into the street and followed me to the next light, where I was stopped waiting to turn on 2nd Street. The driver crossed over two solid yellow lines to sidle up alongside of me and began furiously writing down details of my vehicle. She opened the bus door, and I rolled down my window, and then she began going off in full Barney Fife mode.

"You know you just committed a moving violation, don't you!" This was definitely an exclamation, not a question, despite the grammar and syntax.

"How was that a violation?" I asked, keeping my cool, but nonetheless puzzled and somewhat consternated by the incident.

"You plowed right through that intersection! That is a moving violation!" she yelled.

"HOW is it?" I asked. "I had a green light."

"You know what you did! You know what you did!" Then she drove off.

Well, no, you overcaffeinated mall cop, I don't know what I did, and I certainly didn't receive any constructive education from you in the matter. In fact, I didn't learn anything at all about why this is a violation from the Pennsylvania State Police or various other public safety websites either.

However, Wikipedia had a very interesting article on school bus traffic stop laws, that was most edifying:

In Pennsylvania, a vehicle driver approaching an intersection at which a school bus is stopped shall stop his vehicle at that intersection until the flashing red signal lights are no longer actuated [3]. Supporters of this law may argue that children may dart out into an intersection, so traffic from the left and right must stop. Opponents may blame this law for being too vague (with regard to what exactly at an intersection means), non-standard and visitor-unfriendly (as compared with laws in most other places) and question how vehicular drivers can know and see if a school bus on a side road is loading or unloading, especially if buildings obstruct their vision.

I guess I would have to stand in the opponents bleachers on this one, being that apparently I just violated this heretofore unknown law. How would I know about it? It is "non-standard," as the Wiki states, plus I've only lived in the Keystone State for little more than a year. I didn't take a laws test when I applied for my Pennsylvania driver's license, just an eye test--although there certainly was a rat's-in-a-maze skills component to the experience at the state licensing headquarters downtown, wherein a customer attempts to determine the correct path to approach one of four service desks, placed back-to-back, two-by-two, in a small alcove, and separated by a complex system of stanchions and velvet ropes that would have done Studio 54 in its heyday proud in its despair-inducing byzantineness (if that's a word) and foreboding.

Try to follow this: You can only reach stations 1 and 3 from the side and stations 2 and 4 by going up the middle and around to the side; you can't reach 1 and 3 from the middle, nor can you reach 2 and 4 by going up the side. Got it? Choose wrong and you'll be bellowed at by one of the customer service (heavy irony) representatives with a malevolent "WRONG WAY!" Bad mouse, no kibble.

Thus, while in the eyes of the law I'm considered a resident and not a visitor, I would still consider the law unfriendly, not to mention completely hostile.

However, as asinine a law as I think it is, I would have been happy to have adhered to it should I have known it existed. I'm just like that. Granted, I will tend to ignore laws that make no sense to me as long as no one else is harmed by my evading them. (Thus, I can live with myself and all those "crimes against nature" violations I've committed with my fellow man over the years. Whose nature is it, anyway?) But if this is the law in this Commonwealth, no matter how ridiculous and non-standard it may seem, I will obey it.

So now what do I do? Whether wisely or not, I made a preemptive strike and called the Harrisburg Police Department with my concerns, that I had perhaps committed a moving violation, but was unsure what exactly I had done. The officer was very nice, explained to me why it was a violation, and what I should do next. "Nothing. Don't worry about it for now. If I hear more about it, I'll call you, and we'll talk further."

Which was very generous of him, but still the situation worries me. The penalties for conviction are plenty stiff--a $250 fine, 5 points, AND a 60-day license suspension. Not crazy about the fine, especially before the holiday season and with my facing some possible car repairs due to a slightly clunky transmission, which I would love to blame on the poor quality of PA's roads, but, alas, can't. But *AND* a 60-day suspension? Um, how am I supposed to get to work without being able to drive? How would anyone do so in generally mass-transit free America?

Not that I wouldn't mind a 60-day forced vacation from work, especially over the holidays and especially post professional "visioneering" event. I could take the bus to the mall and downtown; I could walk to the library, the drycleaners, and the supermarket; and I could do most of my work from home, perhaps turning myself to writing nearly full-time, minus the pesky interruptions and soul-deadening supervisory responsibilities I'm faced with daily. But it's just not exactly practical, no matter how appealing it may be.

It's one of those incidents that just leaves me feeling mournful. As the seasons change and all the leaves are brown and the sky is gray, I find myself California dreaming on such an autumn's day. Except that in the dream California is Texas, where nobody gives an armadillo's patoot about traffic laws, road rules, or school children that don't have enough sense to get the hell out of an intersection in a timely manner.

Say what you will about Texas and Texans, but a state where Kinky Friedman could run for governor and potentially be elected to office is unlikely to pass confusing school bus über alles laws.

God bless 'em.