But(t) officer . . .

Don't tease me, bro, especially with this sort of "Things that Make You Go Hmmmm" piece of tale--

Quebec police look into rookie butt-slapping ritual: Police union concerned investigation over "childish" tradition will tarnish force

Last Updated: Friday, November 23, 2007 4:20 PM ET

CBC News

A "juvenile" but time-honoured Quebec police rookie initiation rite that starts with booze and ends with a firm slap on the derrière is the focus of a criminal investigation following hazing complaints.

Montreal police have been asked to investigate allegations of wrongdoing in an initiation tradition practised within the Quebec city force for more than half a century.

The ritual starts with rounds of beer, then moves to a "weigh-in" involving older officers holding new recruits down on their backs, while others bet on their weight. The game ends with a slap on the behind.

"It's childish, it's juvenile, but it's a tradition," explained Sébastien Talbot, a spokesman for the Quebec City police brotherhood. "It's always strange when you, out of context, have to explain an initiation to somebody."

I'll say. But even in context the story is still mighty strange.

I mean, honestly, imagine for a moment that you are a police officer, a male member of one of the toughest and most virile of professions a man could choose. You come home late one evening from work, exhausted, a little tipsy, your hands chapped and callused. The missus clucks sympathetically, puts her arm around you and draws you into an embrace. "How was your day, dear?" she asks comfortingly.

And the best you can say by way of explanation is . . .

"Well, we broke in some new recruits. Honey, you can't fathom how many men I laid down on top of today. Had to wrestle each and everyone of 'em to the ground, straddle 'em, pin them to the floor, all the while the other guys stood around watching and yelling out catcalls and bets. I felt like I was in the middle of a cockfight. And then when that was over, we lined up all the newbies, made 'em drop trou', bend over, and then each took turns slapping them firmly but lovingly on their bare, young, nubile asses. 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?!' Ha! I tell ya, it was brutal! But I'll be back in the thick of it again tomorrow. 'Cause that's just the kind of dedicated cop I am. Always up for cracking a case, even when the crack belongs to one of my fellow officers."

At this point, I think your wife might suggest that your career has finally hit bottom. (Bare bottom or rock bottom, you decide.) I also think she might recommend you get yourself down to the local queer bar for some advice and comfort, while she sits down to watch a very special episode of Oprah entitled "The Thin Blue Vertical Line: The Lowdown on Police Officers on the Downlow."

Starring you, of course.

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For posterior's sake, the full story is archived here.