Chicks, man

Editor's note: Oh, I only pray that you can actually see this news brief for yourself. I need proof, I tell ya, because it's just such an odd little item, it would be easy to understand if you thought I were making it up.

But I'm not. Fact is, I'm not that clever; I just dabble at it often enough that I come off as more than a rank amateur.

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Dateline Pittsburgh, Pa.: Locally based retailer Dick's Sporting Goods has made a new foray into the California market with the acquisition of a West Coast-based sporting goods retailer. Please read for yourself this blurb that appeared today on the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's website:

Business news briefs

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
From staff and wire reports

Dick's expanding in California

Dick's Sporting Goods Inc. said yesterday it had agreed to acquire Chick's Sporting Goods, a privately held company, for about $40 million in cash. Dick's also will assume about $31 million in Chick's debt. Chick's operates 15 specialty sporting goods stores in Southern California and had sales of more than $120 million for the fiscal year ended June 30. Two additional store leases have been signed and those stores will open as Dick's stores in 2008 and 2009. Dick's said it expected the deal to be "marginally" helpful to earnings in fiscal 2008.

There is just so much wrong--and so much so right--with this news brief.

Firstly, of course, the headline. Perhaps it's a bit of a reach on my part, or maybe I'm officially a total perv, but is anyone else struck, mmm, curious by that headline--"Dick's expanding in California"? It seems like a subliminal attempt to make an otherwise unsexy news item appear a bit more hubba-hubba.

Still, I guess the writer could've gone for broke with something more suggestive. Such as . . .

"Dick's bones up on California market"

Or even the simpler,

"Dick's erects new business out West"

Which has the charm of being both beautiful and true.

But is this really that unsexy of a blurb? After all, if you read deeper, you will see that this little news gem offers up a treasure trove of potentially blue diamond-value headlines.

Because the second thing you need to pay attention to is which chain Dick californicated with: a retail operation called Chick's.

Thus, we have the potentiality of an eye-popping, attention-grabbing headline like so:

"Chick's with Dick's"

Too true, it's the perfect sales pitch to the trannie jogger among us, but otherwise, perhaps not quite the niche marketing catchphrase ol' Dick was hankering for.

And now we all understand fully why my career as a cub reporter fresh out of college was kept to a mercifully brief six months.

You're welcome, Mr. Pulitzer.