Shhhh . . . don't tell anyone

Editor's note: Sometimes you just gotta get the garbage out of your brainage system with a throwaway post. Too many trips to the mall. Too many reruns of Miracle on 34th Street. Too much holiday *hiccup* cheer. So here I go tossing some lean scraps of humor upon the town dump of Blogopolis. Please do forgive.

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I need to write something, don't I? So how'd it be if I wrote about Victoria's Secret?

Not a natural fit for me, you say? I have to agree: Satin short-shorts tend to chafe me, and I have a sporadic fear of heights, so the angel wings are definitely out. And, oh yeah, almost forgot, the sight of scantily clad women with larger breasts than brains makes me frown, then yawn, then suddenly crave a snack of overripened cantaloupe. Do go figure.

Nonetheless, my sleepiness and oral fixations aside, ads for Victoria's Secret are ubiquitous this holiday season, 'cause don't you know, nothing celebrates the birth of the Christ like too-thin, top-heavy models strapped into shiny shiny, skimpy skimpy undergarments probably crafted in a South Asian sweatshop by women burkha-ed from head to toe. Victoria's Secret simply can't and shouldn't be ignored. And my goodness! The Spice Girls new greatest hits album is currently available only from Victoria's Secret outlets in the U.S. until January. And, hey, you know me, Old Spice can't live without his Holiday Spice. Zigazig ha.

So, like many a lame stand-up comic before me, I present you with what I think Victoria's secret actually is. Inquiring minds and all that.

• She doesn't understand the phrase "sanitized for your protection."
• She thinks Britney needs a hug. Just not from her.
• She really liked that season on Dallas when SueEllen formed her own lingerie company, hired J.R.'s mistress Mandy Winger as the lead model, then after she'd pulled the rug out from under Mandy, screamed at her, "I'm cutting you off, you viper!" That was hot--and, come to think of it, exactly how her own business got started.
• She has a hard time reconciling her Ph.D. in gender studies from Wellesley where she completed her dissertation on lesbian iconography in the womyn's music movement with her corporate imperative to get bored, horny men to shower their wives and/or girlfriends with size zero silk panties, thongs, and underwire bras. But goodness knows she's trying.
• She can see Posh, Sexy/Ginger, and Baby as Victoria's Secret Spice models, but Scary tends to favor too much leopard print (no, really) for the corporate board's tastes, and Sporty, well, Sporty needs to stay away from the tattoo parlors. Not a good look when paired with hot pink, fur-trimmed teddies.
• Who knew? While she likes to think of herself as a free spirit and had one or two "experiences" while attending one of the Seven Sisters back in the day, she finds all that girl-on-girl action in her ads to be a little icky.
• She is, like, so over Heidi Klum's 15 minutes of fame already. What, is there no work on German TV anymore? Maybe as hostess of a new season of Bowling for Euros with Celebrities? I hear ex-Chancellor of Germany Gerhard Schröder is really good at nailing the 7-10 split.
• Even she thinks that David's a little thick in the noggin and has a too-high voice to be taken seriously, but staying married to him keeps her in Jimmy Choos and Manolo Blahniks (applies to Victoria Beckham only).
• If it was up to her, she'd wear nothing but granny-styled flannel nighties and bunny slippers from October until April.
• Really, a new mixer, a bread machine, or a Roomba would be fine for Christmas, thanks all the same. Don't go to too much trouble, though.

Thanks, ladies and germs. My name is Schecky Licious, and--to your neverending regret--I'll be here all week.