Legalizing Sim-sex marriage

Once again, it's Valentine's Day, and I find myself at home alone, padding around my big apartment in bunny slippers and a flannel nightie, my hair in curlers as I try out a new perm (something perky but professional, naturally). I nurse my midnight hunger with gobfuls of less-corporate chocolate while watching a woman-in-danger movie on Lifetime, the Valomilks and Clark Bars somehow helping me envision Victoria Principal as an assistant district attorney for San Diego County defending herself from a kinky, prostitute-killing paramour.

And I'm, like, totally grateful for this.

Because I'm just one of those people. The thought of someone crowdin' Babydaddy's "me time" with their needs, wants, and Hershey bars, just doesn't sit well with me. No sirree.

Nonetheless, while a steady boyfriend has eluded me like sobriety has steered a clear path from Courtney Love's door (in both cases, by choice, I would imagine), I support the right of all people to love anyone they choose--even if those people are Avowed Simosexuals. As long as it's consensual and the partners are of legal age, where is the harm to anyone?

Besides, you Simeterosexuals out there reading this, put aside your Big Moral Questions for a mo' and consider your needs here--having Simosexuals in loving, committed relationships that result in the quest for your home ownership could be a boon to you. Simply stated, encouraging coupled Simosexuals to move into your neighborhood may actually improve your property values!

A case in point: Meet Hardy and Abel Warmbrudder, both out and proud Simosexuals (or, to quote former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, "not your garden-variety Simosexuals, but militant, activist, mean Simosexuals"). These gay gauchos have just moved into your 'hood and might have already begun to frighten your pets and impede the growth of your houseplants with their public displays of affection. Nonetheless, your spouse and friends seem to like them just fine. Think about that for a moment.

Hardy (on the right) and Abel (on the left) are in a loving, committed relationship, having dated for sometime now. Recently, they decided to take a giant step forward and move in together, after months of unhappy homelife apart--Hardy having been the odd-man-out roommate at the Fratt household, Abel having been the more sensitive, less "free-love-oriented" member of the Trade family. Now together, they have bought, restored, and decorated their own home, a lovely neo-Tudor cottage in a rapidly gentrifying section of San Simeon.

They purchased their home from another Sim-sex couple, Elise and Gertrudis Sappho. (And here you thought they were just divorced career gals like Kate and Allie, sharing expenses and childcare duties.) While Elise and Gertrudis had done an exceptional job on the plumbing and brick-masonry (including the construction of a massive barbecue pit and walk-in meat locker in the back garden), Hardy and Abel found the womyn's taste in wall coverings, parquet floors, and state-of-the-art kitchen appliances somewhat lacking. (Just how many Holly Near posters do you need in a home, anyway?) Thus, they are putting all their hard-earned Simoleons into new furnishings and design elements--Parisienne dining tables, Dolce Tutti Frutti sofas, fountains of tranquility--in order to make their home not only their personal cocoon, but also the epicenter of hospitality for the neighborhood.

Unlike Elise and Gertrudis, Hardy and Abel have no children or pets of their own at this time. They are both striving to be successful in their chosen careers. Hardy is following the Law Enforcement track and is currently the most decorated officer on the Vice Squad, reportedly superbly suited to undercover operations. Abel is on the Pro Athlete track and is an All-Star, serving double duty as both "pitcher" and "catcher."

Hardy and Abel have, in effect, formed a domestic partnership. Their earnings accumulate in a joint Bank of Simerica savings account. They make household purchases together, both large and small, such as whether to festoon their garden with bonsai or birds of paradise or to splurge on a new "vibrating love bed," something they've wanted ever since they shared one during their first romantic holiday together, a wonderful winter weekend spent snowboarding, sledding, and sauna-ing at Big Al Pine's Poke-yer-Nose Mountain Resort.

Of course, it's not easy being Simosexual. Like you, Hardy and Abel have had their share of heartaches and headaches. There's the time they ran out of Simoleons and had to fire the maid and the gardener, then do all the housework and yardwork themselves. Speaking of fire, there's the time--OK, several times--when they burnt a home-cooked meal so badly that they ended up having to play "rock, paper, scissors" with Death to bring their friends and appliances back to life. There have been burglaries, late-night crank calls, alien abductions, party-crashing mimes, and sad-sack clowns hanging around who would not take the hint and shove off. They've even played footsie too friskily in public on dates at Friendship Meeting at San Simeon Landing, only to suffer the indignity of having well-known moralist and gay-basher Mrs. Crumplebottom assault them with her handbag.

In other words, the Warmbrudders have suffered for love and life. Just like you. (Well, at least, almost like you but with better accessories and home decor.)

Yet despite persevering against all odds, despite being productive and professional citizens of their community--not to mention good friends (to some) and great neighbors (to you)--and despite the fact that marriage between Simosexuals is legal in certain parts of the Sim Universe, Hardy and Abel are unable to have their union officially recognized by the powers-that-be--unlike their Simeterosexual colleagues and comrades.

Need proof? Note these exchanges from the Sims Bulletin Board:

Date: Jul-17-04 08:21 AM PST
Subject: men moving in with men

Is it possible to have guys moving in with other single guys with out having the hot date edition?

Date: Jul-17-04 08:28 AM PST
Subject: Re: men moving in with men

Have the two Sims build a strong and high relationship. Eventually when interacting, the option to "Move In" will come up, similar to the "Propose" option. They will only move in if their motives are filled, so make sure you keep them happy while they're visiting. If they accept, they'll move in. If not, you need to pay attention to what they need and then fulfill it.

Date: Apr-11-03 01:18 AM PST
Subject: I Have a Serious question all though it will seem silly and rude.

I was wondering, how come on Sims, you are allowed to have Lesbian sims, but they are not allowed to be married? My sims were two girls and they actually fell in serious love. How come the only thing they can do is move in with each other, while they can sleep together in public places. Im just wondering. Please Answer. Im serious!

Date: Apr-19-04 09:19 AM PST
Subject: Re: Move in option

When two Sims of the same sex become very good friends you sometimes get the "proposition" option. This would be "move in" for that person. If it were Sims of opposite sex, you get the marriage proposition. Move in works pretty much the same as Marriage, except they don't have to have hearts.

"Except that they don't have to have hearts"? What are you saying here, Straight Simerica? That Simosexuals will just proposition anyone to move in? That Sim-sex relationships don't involve love, don't involve commitment? That Simosexuals warrant a separate-but-unequal status to their relationships? Please. Go spew your ignorant Simophobia elsewhere.

When you really think about it, it just doesn't seem fair. After all two men or two women can form a legal, business relationship together in Simerica. Why shouldn't they be able to kick off their shoes, push their beds together, and form a legal, personal relationship together? Who's life is it anyway?

My fellow Simericans, please don't be so stingy with human rights. Let Simosexuals enjoy the plethora of privileges that Simeterosexuals take for granted in this country. For example . . .

• Let them savor the consumer madness of blowing their life's savings on a wedding and honeymoon with the debt probably lasting longer than their union.
• Let them pay more taxes by filing jointly as a married couple, rather than separately as singles.
• Let their children's overscheduled, after-school activities suck the life out of them so much that they believe The World According to Jim and Yes, Dear are actually kinda funny shows truly reflective of their lives.
• Let them decide that rather than entertaining some "afternoon delight," mowing the lawn or caulking the bath tub would be a greater pleasure.
• Let them enjoy the social stigma of going from "soulmates for life" to "I sold all your clothes and your Donna Summer collection to Goodwill for ten bucks, you jerk!" as 50 percent of their marriages wind up in Divorce Court.
• Dammit, be fair: Let them even savor the most elite, Simeterosexual privilege of all--serving on the board of the Neighborhood Homeowners Association.

In other words, let them live like everyone else.

Won't you join me in supporting Hardy and Abel's right to love? No one's asking you to sanction their marriage in the church/temple/mosque of your religious preference--although you should know that Elise and Gertrudis's research (one's on the Science track, the other, Medicine) has determined that Simosexual behavior is primarily biological in orientation. In other words, there is no religious or moral reason for excluding Sim-sex couples from a marital union. But nobody's going there. Prejudices die hard, especially when they have been misrepresented and mistranslated for thousands of years.

Instead, I'm only asking you to support legal recognition of Hardy and Abel's relationship. Call it a partnership, call it a union, call it a marriage--but please acknowledge and celebrate it. After all, love is love, and it deserves to be acclaimed and cherished whenever, wherever, and with whomever it happens.

Plus, like, you could tax their relationship. That ought to meet with your approval.

Happy Valentine's Day, Hardy and Abel. Tonight, guys, I think you deserve a once-around-the-park in the vibrating love bed.