Terrorists planned attack on Los Angeles four years ago! And other non-news . . .

This just in—more details on other late-breaking non-news from President Bush’s press conference on February 9, 2006. As you may recall, the President announced during this news opp that members of Al Qaeda (including one of the members voted most likely to play Luigi or Mario in the sequel to 1993's Super Mario Brothers movie) had attempted to carry out a terrorist attack on Los Angeles in 2002, although very little in the way of detail was provided.

However, President Bush was more forthcoming on other late-breaking non-news from the last 60 years of his existence. Here’s what else he had to say:

“I was born in 1946 in New Haven, Connecticut, to George and Barbara Bush. My parents immediately enrolled me in Yale, as they figured I’d never get in on my own once I learned to talk.”

“I have spent most of my life smirkin’ my way through serious moments. Did you see me during Coretta Scott King's funeral? That was classic Dubya! That one's going on my Emmy reel.”

“You know, up until the day of the funeral, I thought Coretta Scott King played a minor role on Knots Landing in the late ‘80s. Laura explained to me that was Kent Masters King, not Coretta Scott King. She seemed like a real nice girl. I wonder what it's like to have kids . . . good kids, I mean. We got saddled with twins--a drunk and an egghead."

"Speaking of Knots, I sure would have liked to execute some boardroom hijinx with Abby Cunningham, if you know what I mean. Hey, wait, don't write that down. Cut! Cut! That's the sort of thing that really gets Laura's pantsuits in a bunch."

“Hey, speaking of Coretta Scott King, I have never understood why her husband Martin Luther King nailed 99 feces to a church door back in the ‘60s. How the heck do you nail feces to a door? Me and my fraternity brothers just thowed it at people’s doors; we never tried to nail it to one. It just goes to show you that people ain’t got no respect for religion in this country. Unlike me—I use my religion ever’ chance I get.”

“In the late ‘50s, I hung out a lot in the boy’s restroom at Midland Junior High, before my folks shipped me off the Phillips Academy to build the kind of manly character you can only gain at an all-boys' New England prep school. In Midland, I spent a lot of time trying to catch a look at the girls in their restroom through a peephole I had my valet drill for me.”

“In 1989, when I first became owner of the Texas Rangers, I had my butler do the same in the Rangers’ locker room, trying to catch a peek at the cheerleaders in their dressing room. It was only much later that I realized the Rangers didn’t have any cheerleaders.”

“No one knows exactly where I was during the Vietnam War. Neither do I, for that matter.”

“I have never really been all that interested in government and politics. My entire career has, in fact, been based on a bad bet I made in the late '70s. Never, ever play 52-Card Pick-Up with Dick Cheney and Rummy when you're coked out of your head in Nuevo Laredo, got no money, no credit cards, and can't remember where you put your keys, that's all I can say.”

“In 2005, me and my staff did precious little to help the folks on the Gulf Coast deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Here’s a prediction—looks like I’ll be continuin’ that policy in 2006. You can quote me on that.”

“Speakin' of which, it's later than you think, and I’m still smirkin’.”